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Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Dolphins

in Dies ist ein Forum in der Kategorie 07.12.2018 08:05
von laiyongcai92 • 187 Beiträge

We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The EditorGreetings http://www.oaklandraidersteamonline.com/frostee-rucker-jersey , Raider Nation! It is I, the man of the hour, the tower of power too sweet to be sour, with the highest brainpower sending my haters to the showers, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful.The Raiders took a tough loss in a difficult place to play last week at Denver, but they’ll get another shot to get in the win column this weekend at Miami. As is my custom, I’ve summoned the Great Beyond, who even after all these years has nothing better to do, to tell us the outcome of the Raiders-Dolphins game. Here is what the Great Old One had to say. Behold his wisdom, mortals, with fear and trepidation:“You’re back again! Quite the meltdown by the Raiders last week. Jon Gruden spent so much time in the second half of games in the last ten years trying to figure out which player being a Gruden Grinder would be the most kitsch, that he forgot there were four quarters in a game. Let’s hope he remembers soon.Who you got this week? Miami? It’s supposed to be warm there, but it’s probably good the Raiders are wearing their black jerseys in this game. Miami is now one of the coldest places in the world, having been in New England’s shadow since 2001.The last time Miami was relevant was for this:Much like the Raiders, the Dolphins are a once-great franchise which has fallen on hard times. Since the last time they won a Super Bowl, every single Star Wars movie was released. There are more Super Bowl rings in Russia than on the hands of Dolphins players. The Marlins won two World Series while the Heat won three NBA Championships. The last time they won a playoff game, Bill Clinton was president and CDs were a new technology. The top album was Nirvana’s Nevermind, and Ryan Tannehill was four years old, wetting his bed on the regular. At that time, only his mom saw him do that, but now he does it every week in front of 40,000 people.Miami drafted a wide receiver from Texas A&M to be their quarterback, and to this day they keep expecting him to ‘break out’ and become a top passer. The only thing Ryan Tannehill is going to break is his leg, and the only time he has ever or will ever break out is in seventh grade before he got his shipment of Proactiv.Photo by Tom Szczerbowski/Getty ImagesThe Dolphins have a history of great players, none better than Dan Marino, who might be the most naturally talented quarterback who ever lived. Marino gave his heart, soul Authentic Rashaan Melvin Jersey , and Achilles tendon to the Dolphins organization, and the very last game of his career ended with a 62-7 playoff loss to the Jaguars. Dan Marino has spent his later years hocking Isotoner gloves and weight-loss programs, and has missed the embarrassment of having his home stadium named for a company owned by this man:Photo by Noam Galai/Getty Images for Escape To MargaritavilleIf there are two things that scream “I don’t give a fuck” they are Jimmy Buffett and Dolphins football. Jimmy sings songs about dropping everything and having a beer, while the Dolphins make all their fans want to leave at halftime and drown themselves in the ocean. It’s five o’clock everywhere when you’re dead.Of course, the Dolphins haven’t had an easy time of it, stuck in a division with the Patriots. The only people more efficient than the Patriots at killing dolphins are Japanese fishermen. But the Dolphins have really tried to keep up, and a few years ago drafted this man to be their left tackle of the future:I’m not trying to say that the Dolphins leaked the video of Laremy Tunsil hotboxing himself with weed on purpose so they could draft him, but nobody has benefited that much from a gasmask since World War 1. Wake up, sheeple!Drafting is all well and good, but to be a quality team you have to hold on to quality players. In the last few years, the following people have left Miami:Jay AjayiJarvis LandryOlivier VernonNdamukong SuhBrent Grimes’ wifeSuh might be the biggest loss here. When you have an elite pass rusher, you have to do whatever you can to hold onto them. Good pass rushers are hard to find!With the loss of Ajayi, the Dolphins’ running game consists of Kenyan Drake and the reanimated husk of Frank Gore, who predates the Flood and keeps himself alive by absorbing the essences of 4,500 Cuban asylum-seekers every month. On the ninth day, God created Frank Gore, and saw that he was good. Frank Gore does not just have a lunch pail mentality, he literally invented the lunch pail. Before Frank, we just used bags or dried-out cow stomachs or whatever.It’s hard to picture Frank Gore as a Dolphin, because it really isn’t a ‘gritty intangibles fullback manball’ type of place ever since Larry Csonka ascended to Heaven on a chariot made of Moustache Afficionado magazines. Now it’s more of a ‘let’s do cocaine on camera and run our boat into those rocks over there’ type of place. A “say hello to my little friend” type of place.The Dolphins, being an East Coast team, are often shipped over to the UK for games. The last time the Raiders played the Dolphins in England, they got beaten so badly they fired Dennis Allen, and they should have given him the full William Wallace treatment. But the Dolphins are so boring that the Brits would rather start another war over heroin in China than go see another Dolphins game.The Dolphins are boring, yes, but they’re also ruthlessly efficient, and are almost always better than they seem against bad competition. Ryan Tannehill kinda sucks Cheap Kolton Miller Jersey , but he’s never bad in the way Nathan Peterman is, he’s bad in the Andy Dalton way where he tries to do too much and isn’t quite as good as his brain and the quality of his wife tells him he is.Even though the Dolphins don’t have a ton of weapons on offense, they do have a pretty good line and a fierce defense with quality edge rushers and linebackers. They should be able to hold serve at home, if just barely.Dolphins win, 23-21.” The week nine Thursday night primetime game versus the 49ers only took one turn, and that was a turn for the worse.As was the case last week, there are several plays that are worthy candidates for the week nine honor.After a thorough breakdown of the game it was clear there was one play that truly stood out as a turning point.On the 49ers opening possession of the second half, already leading 17-3.George Kittle took a pass over the middle from Nick Mullens and went 71 yards straight through the heart of the Raiders defense.Kittle would eventually be brought down from behind by Gareon Conley at the Raiders six yard line.Although, Kittle did not score on this particular play, he would find the end zone two plays later to make the score 24-7.The play was demoralizing for many reasons.First, the 49ers had three receivers all running routes in the same congested area and the pass was still completed, despite the fact there seemed to be a miscommunication by the offense.Second, Mullens took a huge risk by attempting the throw.He made the throw under pressure off his back foot.Third, and you have to give credit to Kittle but it was a miraculous one-handed snag.And finally, Tahir Whitehead demonstrates how bad in coverage he is and Erik Harris whiffs on the tackle.Here is a better angle at the coverage or lack there of by Whitehead and the great catch by Kittle.According to Pro football focus, Whitehead has surrendered a perfect 158.3 passer rating when targeted this season.Against the 49ers four targets were completed for four receptions for 101 yards and a touchdown.Despite the numbers, Gruden continues to defend his linebacker.“You know what, he’s been a good linebacker. He’s been a good nickel linebacker in the league for a long time. I think when you look at the kind of throws that have been complete, you have to sometimes take a look at them,” said Gruden.The reality of the situation is there is nobody else to take Whitehead’s job.Sure Jason Cabinda and Nicholas Morrow will see increased time but if Whitehead is healthy he will continue to play.“I like Whitehead. I like Whitehead a lot,” Gruden continued. “If you’re listening, Tahir, I think you’re one heck of a linebacker. But we have to do a better job. We have to do a better job stopping the run, stopping the pass. We have to do a better job collectively, coaches and players, figuring out our defense.”

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